Saturday, March 23, 2013

Eating my feelings... Keeping it real

So I like to be honest on my blog, and while I've been doing well with logging some time on the treadmill, I have not been doing so well with my eating. I've been making better choices overall - staying away from fast food as much as possible, and snacking on fruits and veggies instead of junk, cutting out soda almost entirely - but I tend to overeat A LOT. Pete is the cook in the family, and he often makes dinner late... he's also a meat and potatoes kinda guy so his meals tend to include lots of pasta/rice/potatoes - and I don't know how to control myself. It's a vicious cycle. I feel like I'm starving, I'll gorge myself and then feel terrible about it. Where is my willpower?

I'm noticing the weight gain on more than just the scale. My clothes either don't fit or barely fit. I ignore it a lot of the time because I wear scrubs at work and I change into comfy pants when I'm sitting around the house. I don't socialize a lot so I don't have to squeeze myself into jeans that often. I lost weight four years ago and kept it off for a few years so I got rid of all of my bigger jeans. I refuse to buy bigger clothes, I just can't.

I'm not obese. People that don't know me won't look at my pictures and instantly think that I'm fat or anything. But I can tell in pictures. I can see the fullness in my face. I know that I often avoid taking pictures of myself these days (except for Pete's birthday, but ummm... I was intoxicated) because I don't like the way I look.

I'm tired of being unhappy with my appearance. I need to shut up, quit whining and DO SOMETHING about it already! I'm ready to get fit. I really am. I've registered for two 5K's so far this year and I'm still loving the fact that we have a treadmill.

But my relationship with food is different. I eat to make myself feel better when I'm sad. I eat when I'm bored. I eat when anyone else is eating. I eat because it tastes good. I eat and eat and eat.

I drink lots of water, I'll keep snacks like natural almonds at work when I'm feeling hungry. But it doesn't seem to matter. I need to break the cycle. I know that nobody can do this but me, but if there are any helpful tips to get me over the "I feel like I'm starving myself" hump I'd love to hear them.

This is a photo my awesome friend Amandalynn took of Pete and me in May 2010. I was 25 pounds lighter. Sure, the extra skin on my stomach from having a 12 pound baby was just tucked inside my jeans - but I was skinnyfat, I did nothing to look that way except be stressed out and barely eat. Sadly I almost wish stress would affect me in that way again, now it seems to do the opposite - I eat everything in sight. Whether I'm eating too much or too little, it's still not healthy. This time around I'd like to get fit and be toned, but damn do I want to fit in those jeans again.

I need to break the cycle. I can't find the willpower. How do I change that?

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