FBF

I don't want to be a fraud. If I'm going to blog about getting healthy I need to do more than talk the talk. That's why today is the beginning of a new phase for me... it's called FBF. For those of you that don't like profanity, stick to the initials - because it stands for Fuck Being Fat.

In the two weeks since I've lost my job, I have gone in a severe downward spiral. Basically what I've accomplished includes catching up on my shows that I haven't watched in ages (Weeds, Californication, and Nurse Jackie - check, check, check). I haven't even attempted portion control, and often I end up binging and overeating to the point where I just feel sick. I don't know if it's boredom, or some twisted idea that eating makes me feel better (it doesn't) - all I know is that it drastically needs to change. The way I look naked right now is just disgusting, and I hardly fit in any of my clothes. I'm basically out of the normal weight range for my height (5'10", weighing in at about 175 right now).

Ultimate goal weight? 145 - my pre-pregnancy weight. I got there in 2010, I can do it again - but the healthy way this time. First goal weight? 155. I stayed there for years, I know I can get there and maintain it. Biggest thing for me is to stop the binging, work on portion control. We don't keep a lot of unhealthy foods in the house so I've got a pretty good start there - but I eat enough for three people and my metabolism can't deal with that.

What brought on the "enough is enough" attitude? I'm tired of being depressing. I don't want to be whiny, I don't want to be a downer. No amount of exercise is going to make up for my eating habits. I ate an entire Tombstone pizza yesterday. By myself. I felt miserable the rest of the day. It's insane. I can't believe I'm admitting that on my blog, where anyone that knows me can read it - but there you go.

Mindless eating needs to stop. Brady and I took a 3.1 mile walk yesterday, and also attempted to do 30DS. I can't get through level one without wanting to stop. That's embarrassing.

There is no way I'm going to be ready for the Cellcom 5K in May. I'm doing it no matter what, even if I have to walk the majority - but by the end of this summer I want to be able to run an entire 5K, and that's not going to happen until I make some serious changes.

I have a phone interview on Monday with a healthcare organization. It's just for a casual position but at least it's a start. The CEO of my former organization had his last day yesterday. I don't know if they terminated him or what, but if he was quitting you would assume he would give notice so I'm thinking they let him go. Couldn't they have done that before he pushed for cuts? Before I lost my job entirely? Sheesh.

Currently reading Slim for Life by Jillian Michaels. Say what you want, but I dig her. Everything I've been reading about aspartame lately has me ready to give up my Crystal Light energy packets. I'm going to switch to Crystal Light Pure and Great Value naturally sweetened. I did great on water intake for months but I used a LOT of those energy packets so I need to get away from that.

I really hope my family will be on board with me. It will be so much easier if I have support. Thankful that it seems like warmer weather is FINALLY here to stay because that will help with the "being active" portion of my life change - but food is my real problem. I'm ready to tackle this. FBF. I don't want to look like this anymore.

Eating my feelings... Keeping it real

So I like to be honest on my blog, and while I've been doing well with logging some time on the treadmill, I have not been doing so well with my eating. I've been making better choices overall - staying away from fast food as much as possible, and snacking on fruits and veggies instead of junk, cutting out soda almost entirely - but I tend to overeat A LOT. Pete is the cook in the family, and he often makes dinner late... he's also a meat and potatoes kinda guy so his meals tend to include lots of pasta/rice/potatoes - and I don't know how to control myself. It's a vicious cycle. I feel like I'm starving, I'll gorge myself and then feel terrible about it. Where is my willpower?

I'm noticing the weight gain on more than just the scale. My clothes either don't fit or barely fit. I ignore it a lot of the time because I wear scrubs at work and I change into comfy pants when I'm sitting around the house. I don't socialize a lot so I don't have to squeeze myself into jeans that often. I lost weight four years ago and kept it off for a few years so I got rid of all of my bigger jeans. I refuse to buy bigger clothes, I just can't.

I'm not obese. People that don't know me won't look at my pictures and instantly think that I'm fat or anything. But I can tell in pictures. I can see the fullness in my face. I know that I often avoid taking pictures of myself these days (except for Pete's birthday, but ummm... I was intoxicated) because I don't like the way I look.

I'm tired of being unhappy with my appearance. I need to shut up, quit whining and DO SOMETHING about it already! I'm ready to get fit. I really am. I've registered for two 5K's so far this year and I'm still loving the fact that we have a treadmill.

But my relationship with food is different. I eat to make myself feel better when I'm sad. I eat when I'm bored. I eat when anyone else is eating. I eat because it tastes good. I eat and eat and eat.

I drink lots of water, I'll keep snacks like natural almonds at work when I'm feeling hungry. But it doesn't seem to matter. I need to break the cycle. I know that nobody can do this but me, but if there are any helpful tips to get me over the "I feel like I'm starving myself" hump I'd love to hear them.

This is a photo my awesome friend Amandalynn took of Pete and me in May 2010. I was 25 pounds lighter. Sure, the extra skin on my stomach from having a 12 pound baby was just tucked inside my jeans - but I was skinnyfat, I did nothing to look that way except be stressed out and barely eat. Sadly I almost wish stress would affect me in that way again, now it seems to do the opposite - I eat everything in sight. Whether I'm eating too much or too little, it's still not healthy. This time around I'd like to get fit and be toned, but damn do I want to fit in those jeans again.

I need to break the cycle. I can't find the willpower. How do I change that?

So here I go again...

What I want more than almost anything in the world is to be healthy and fit. I'm tired of being skinny fat. The only reason why I'm not obese is because I have a good metabolism. I've never been an active and athletic person and I want that to change, but I have trouble finding the motivation to actually DO it.

I'm really good at shopping for fitness items. I have cute running shorts and tanks, a new Polar FT7 that I haven't taken out of the package yet (on sale at Best Buy, $55!) and a wishlist of things to buy "when I actually start getting fit". I'm awesome at following fitness people on twitter and instagram, and I recently started following a bunch of running blogs as well.

So isn't it ridiculous that I don't actually do anything to be fit? I know the season has a lot to do with motivation - I have no desire to be outside in the winter. Snow, ice, slush? No thanks. With that attitude I probably shouldn't live in Wisconsin, but this is my home and despite my dislike for winter weather conditions, I do love it here. The tiny town I live in has no gym, my boyfriend works second shift and I hate dumping my kid off with a sitter - so as you can see, I make a lot of excuses.

It is time to change that. I need to stop setting my expectations so high and take one day at a time. This won't happen overnight. I need to have this be my mantra:

I'm making a decent start. I've given up my precious Mountain Dew, AGAIN. All soda really, except Sprite if we go to a restaurant or something. I've drastically upped my water intake. I was never a big water drinker, and now I try to drink 100 oz. a day. It's easier for me to do this at work for some reason, but I've been doing okay at home, too. I have tried so many fancy water bottles and hated them all, but then I found these:

The Rubbermaid Chug bottles are awesome. Easy to clean and they don't leak. I love them. No, I'm not getting paid to say that. Maybe one day I'll have a fancy blog where they'll see me talking about their product and offer one for giveaway or something. But it's doubtful, so don't get too excited.

I don't deny myself treats, but I no longer buy them either. If a drug rep brings cookies to work, I'll eat one. But just one. With the exception of Subway and Cousins, I've been avoiding fast food restaurants. It's all baby steps but I'm hoping it will add up. I know that I overeat so something I *really* need to work on is portion control. If anyone has any tips on that I'd really appreciate it!

I've also started eating breakfast. I know, I just said I overeat and in the next paragraph I talk about eating more. But I get up early for work and I hate eating so early, so I usually skip breakfast (or grab cookies or something unhealthy from the gas station). Now I'm forcing myself to eat SOMETHING. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day and it jump starts your metabolism so I need to remember that. Oatmeal, a "healthy" cereal choice (I like gluten free Corn Chex) with unsweetened almond milk, a banana, just something. Let's see if it makes a difference.

So how am I going to be active with no gym nearby and frigid weather outside? Well, I have some Jillian Michaels dvds that definitely do not suck - but they aren't doing me a whole lot of good just sitting around. I need to USE them. We have a Kinect for Xbox and I love Dance Central games and Your Shape: Fitness Evolved. They make me sweat, which is good, so I need to start using those again.

Best of all? Pete (the boyfriend) finally got on board about us getting a treadmill, and we ordered one. He's even looking forward to using it! We would be using it already but it arrived on Valentine's Day totally damaged. Talk about disappointment. Here's a picture of the box:

Sure enough, when we opened the box there was broken plastic and the whole base of it was bent. So we called, and luckily Best Buy was really nice about it and re-shipped a new one right away. They are also sending a return label so we can have someone pick up the damaged one. Whew. Also, the darn treadmill went on sale for $100 cheaper (no joke) right after we ordered it so they did a price adjustment for us too. That's called good customer service, people.

I'm beyond excited for the treadmill. This will not be something to throw clothes on. I can't promise that I'm going to be able to run on it right away, but it will definitely get me moving. I can see me power walking/jogging while listening to some tunes or watching Grey's Anatomy. I recently got myself a FitBit and it has been totally eye opening. On the days I work (as a receptionist), I'm lucky if I walk 5,000 steps a day. On my days off? Even less. It's horrifying. So I want to make sure I'm walking at least 10,000 steps/day, and start doing jogging spurts as I can handle it until eventually being able to jog a full 30 minutes.

I want to run (well, jog) a 5K. Start to finish. This is incredibly easy for lots of people but it seems like a dream for me. 

I should also confess something. I've gained a lot of weight this winter. We are doing a "Biggest Loser" contest at work so I weighed myself on their scale and it says I am four pounds heavier than my home scale. Oh home scale, how I love thee. The work scale says I weigh 169 lbs 4 oz. I got down to my pre-pregnancy weight of 145 pounds in 2009/2010 and I want to get there again. But in a healthy way this time, not just in a "I'm stressed and don't eat" way like last time.

So I have about 25 pounds to lose. I can do this, right? My tax return gift to myself is going to be an awesome pair of running shoes (like I said, I'm good at shopping for fitness stuff). I'm going to go to a running shoe store to get fitted for them and everything. I don't want crappy shoes or injuries getting in the way of me getting off my ass.

If anyone is actually reading this, welcome. This is a judgement free zone and if you comment, let's try to be encouraging. I need all the help I can get, and I know I'm more likely to stick to it if I have a good support system!