Progress!

I've been having what feels like ups and downs with my running, but oddly my times have been pretty consistent. I ran on Monday before work and actually felt kinda great - seemed like my walk breaks were getting shorter and even though my breathing wasn't the best, I didn't feel like I was struggling as much with it as I normally do.

I ran today and it did not feel easy at all. My legs felt good, but it was already humid out (at 6:something a.m.) and my breathing was terrible. I felt like I was taking really long walk breaks - but yet my average pace per mile was 10:13 on Monday and 10:19 today. Not a huge difference. I'm kinda baffled... I know I have improved from where I started but now I feel like I'm stuck. I want to be able to run without walk breaks - will I ever get there??? Will it ever stop being so HARD?

In other news, I have been doing well with eating better. The new job helps to give me some structure to my eating habits and it also helps me with my water intake. Most days this week I have drank around 120 ounces of water which is awesome for me! I doubt I will drink as much on my days off, but if I can stick to at least 80 ounces I'll be happy. I know drinking a lot of water is good for metabolism, weight loss, the whole shebang so I'm all for it. I haven't completely gotten away from the drink packets yet, but I try to only use them for one 20 oz. serving. I usually do the True Lemon (no aspartame!) but I also like the Great Value Energy in the Grape flavor (boo, aspartame).

We are in desperate need of groceries at the house but we just haven't had time to do any major shopping this week. I've been running to Wal-Mart before work (it's basically across the street from where I work, which is both a good and bad thing) and getting their $3 salads for lunch and some oatmeal for breakfast. So I do oatmeal, salad for lunch, and a sensible dinner. Even if it's not the healthiest dinner, I just try to watch how much I eat. Yesterday, Brady and I went out for ice cream to celebrate the holiday weekend starting (I've got today AND Friday off, nice!) and we both got Playdough (blue moon with cookie dough in it). Afterwards I felt really ICK and I'm thinking it's because I've been eating so well that I've detoxed my body of junk - which is a pretty exciting thought.

Today for breakfast I ate two pieces of toast with PB2. It was my first time trying the PB2 - for those of you that don't know what it is, it's a powdered peanut butter. You mix it with water and it's a lot better for you than regular peanut butter. I was kind of afraid it would be gross, but I really liked it! Definitely recommend it, and Wal-Mart is selling it now so it isn't hard to find like it used to be.

I saw a good number on the scale this morning - I'm not going to get excited until I keep seeing it for a while, or unless it keeps getting lower. I know how weight can fluctuate. I was 174 at my highest this winter, and I saw 164.4 today! I had been seeing 166 more consistently so I'm still counting that as my weight for now... like I said, I don't like to get too excited lol. But the scale is moving and I could not be happier - I need to stick with it, last summer I was 155 and I need to get back to that so I can fit in all of my clothes again and not be forced to buy new ones! I'm 5'10", for those of you that may be wondering.

Here's a picture of my pretty mom and I from the wedding I attended last weekend:

The dress was very forgiving as my stomach is where my weight problem is and you can't tell too badly in the pictures. Note my Fitbit Flex in the picture - it didn't really go with the dress but I couldn't leave it home. I'm addicted! My cousin Jeremy (now happily married) posted manymany pictures on Facebook of his special day, and here's one of the back of Pete and me:

The older I get the more I could care less about what anyone thinks about my pale skin. I embrace my pasty! I have never been in a tanning bed and I doubt I ever will. The sun gives me freckles so I avoid it. I don't even mess with the fake tanning stuff because it's messy and just seems like too much trouble. I went for a spray tan once and it didn't turn out well. So don't be afraid to be who you are - and if you're pasty like me, just think about how awesome we'll look when we're older next to all of our wrinkly friends who went tanning too much. Muahahaha.

So who has exciting plans for the 4th? Pete has to work so we're not making any lol. Brady is going to be in the parade with his baseball team (I think, they are rather disorganized) and I babysit Chloe tonight so she'll watch the fireworks with us. The kiddo has his last baseball tournament on Saturday morning, but other than that no plans! Just to stay home and catch up on housework, maybe have a bonfire. I hope everyone has a safe and happy weekend!

My Week: Work, Baseball, Babysit, Work, Baseball... you get it.

Yesterday I went on my first run in an entire week - it was rough but I'm glad I finally got out there. During the week I had various excuses to NOT run (mostly working every day - the job is getting better btw) and one day I even made it 1/4 mile but thunder and lightening made me cut it short. Evening runs don't work for me because of Brady's baseball games and babysitting Chloe... which is fine because I prefer running in the morning anyway.

For the most part I made decent meal choices all week, except for some pizza on Thursday. The weight loss is happening slowly but it IS happening - I've lost a solid 6ish pounds from where I was at my highest this winter/spring. I know that if I was more consistent with my running/exercising it would drop a lot faster but I've been feeling happy/positive so I'm not going to beat myself up over it. I'm just going to try to incorporate more activity. My schedule drops to three days/week now so I will have more time to devote to exercising and possibly even cleaning my house. Haha.

We have a full weekend with a wedding today and birthday party tomorrow - but not to worry, I will be getting a run in. In fact, I may go right now.... yep. Only two weeks until my next 5K! Have a good weekend, everyone!

FBF

I don't want to be a fraud. If I'm going to blog about getting healthy I need to do more than talk the talk. That's why today is the beginning of a new phase for me... it's called FBF. For those of you that don't like profanity, stick to the initials - because it stands for Fuck Being Fat.

In the two weeks since I've lost my job, I have gone in a severe downward spiral. Basically what I've accomplished includes catching up on my shows that I haven't watched in ages (Weeds, Californication, and Nurse Jackie - check, check, check). I haven't even attempted portion control, and often I end up binging and overeating to the point where I just feel sick. I don't know if it's boredom, or some twisted idea that eating makes me feel better (it doesn't) - all I know is that it drastically needs to change. The way I look naked right now is just disgusting, and I hardly fit in any of my clothes. I'm basically out of the normal weight range for my height (5'10", weighing in at about 175 right now).

Ultimate goal weight? 145 - my pre-pregnancy weight. I got there in 2010, I can do it again - but the healthy way this time. First goal weight? 155. I stayed there for years, I know I can get there and maintain it. Biggest thing for me is to stop the binging, work on portion control. We don't keep a lot of unhealthy foods in the house so I've got a pretty good start there - but I eat enough for three people and my metabolism can't deal with that.

What brought on the "enough is enough" attitude? I'm tired of being depressing. I don't want to be whiny, I don't want to be a downer. No amount of exercise is going to make up for my eating habits. I ate an entire Tombstone pizza yesterday. By myself. I felt miserable the rest of the day. It's insane. I can't believe I'm admitting that on my blog, where anyone that knows me can read it - but there you go.

Mindless eating needs to stop. Brady and I took a 3.1 mile walk yesterday, and also attempted to do 30DS. I can't get through level one without wanting to stop. That's embarrassing.

There is no way I'm going to be ready for the Cellcom 5K in May. I'm doing it no matter what, even if I have to walk the majority - but by the end of this summer I want to be able to run an entire 5K, and that's not going to happen until I make some serious changes.

I have a phone interview on Monday with a healthcare organization. It's just for a casual position but at least it's a start. The CEO of my former organization had his last day yesterday. I don't know if they terminated him or what, but if he was quitting you would assume he would give notice so I'm thinking they let him go. Couldn't they have done that before he pushed for cuts? Before I lost my job entirely? Sheesh.

Currently reading Slim for Life by Jillian Michaels. Say what you want, but I dig her. Everything I've been reading about aspartame lately has me ready to give up my Crystal Light energy packets. I'm going to switch to Crystal Light Pure and Great Value naturally sweetened. I did great on water intake for months but I used a LOT of those energy packets so I need to get away from that.

I really hope my family will be on board with me. It will be so much easier if I have support. Thankful that it seems like warmer weather is FINALLY here to stay because that will help with the "being active" portion of my life change - but food is my real problem. I'm ready to tackle this. FBF. I don't want to look like this anymore.

Eating my feelings... Keeping it real

So I like to be honest on my blog, and while I've been doing well with logging some time on the treadmill, I have not been doing so well with my eating. I've been making better choices overall - staying away from fast food as much as possible, and snacking on fruits and veggies instead of junk, cutting out soda almost entirely - but I tend to overeat A LOT. Pete is the cook in the family, and he often makes dinner late... he's also a meat and potatoes kinda guy so his meals tend to include lots of pasta/rice/potatoes - and I don't know how to control myself. It's a vicious cycle. I feel like I'm starving, I'll gorge myself and then feel terrible about it. Where is my willpower?

I'm noticing the weight gain on more than just the scale. My clothes either don't fit or barely fit. I ignore it a lot of the time because I wear scrubs at work and I change into comfy pants when I'm sitting around the house. I don't socialize a lot so I don't have to squeeze myself into jeans that often. I lost weight four years ago and kept it off for a few years so I got rid of all of my bigger jeans. I refuse to buy bigger clothes, I just can't.

I'm not obese. People that don't know me won't look at my pictures and instantly think that I'm fat or anything. But I can tell in pictures. I can see the fullness in my face. I know that I often avoid taking pictures of myself these days (except for Pete's birthday, but ummm... I was intoxicated) because I don't like the way I look.

I'm tired of being unhappy with my appearance. I need to shut up, quit whining and DO SOMETHING about it already! I'm ready to get fit. I really am. I've registered for two 5K's so far this year and I'm still loving the fact that we have a treadmill.

But my relationship with food is different. I eat to make myself feel better when I'm sad. I eat when I'm bored. I eat when anyone else is eating. I eat because it tastes good. I eat and eat and eat.

I drink lots of water, I'll keep snacks like natural almonds at work when I'm feeling hungry. But it doesn't seem to matter. I need to break the cycle. I know that nobody can do this but me, but if there are any helpful tips to get me over the "I feel like I'm starving myself" hump I'd love to hear them.

This is a photo my awesome friend Amandalynn took of Pete and me in May 2010. I was 25 pounds lighter. Sure, the extra skin on my stomach from having a 12 pound baby was just tucked inside my jeans - but I was skinnyfat, I did nothing to look that way except be stressed out and barely eat. Sadly I almost wish stress would affect me in that way again, now it seems to do the opposite - I eat everything in sight. Whether I'm eating too much or too little, it's still not healthy. This time around I'd like to get fit and be toned, but damn do I want to fit in those jeans again.

I need to break the cycle. I can't find the willpower. How do I change that?

Treadmill!

Treadmill #2 arrived yesterday, which was perfect because yesterday was Pete's 30th birthday! The box was damaged again but not as bad as the first time. We put it together after Pete got home from work last night and thankfully, none of the pieces were broken. I did a half hour of brisk walking (4.2 mph at a 2-3 incline) and broke a sweat and feel fantastic about it. That might be nothing to some people but after doing nothing but sitting on my lazy butt all winter I'm happy about it. Plus, it's only the beginning - and everyone has to start somewhere, right?

It's tax return time, so I used it as an excuse to splurge on myself a bit. It's more exciting than Christmas!

I finally went to a running store to find out what kind of running shoe would be best for me and the guy suggested I go with ones that have support. After much research and deliberation I chose the Brooks Ravenna 4 and so far I am really happy with my choice. Also - in case you were wondering the answer is yes, they ARE the most expensive shoes I own. Haha. I also included my new Polar FT7 heart rate monitor in the picture, which I still haven't used (but I've finally taken it out of the package and set it up). If you click the link you'll see it's selling for $109.99 on the Best Buy website but I got it on sale at Best Buy in Ashwaubenon for an amazing $55! I know I mentioned the deal in a previous entry but I'm sorry, that's worth repeating.

Here's a few more pictures of the treadmill fun we had last night:

 A view of inside the box... notice the other box that's in the hallway standing on it's side... that's treadmill #1. We keep playing phone tag with the people that are supposed to come pick it back up, but hopefully it will be out of the house this week.

 Here's a few shots of the boys putting together the treadmill. Brady did a great job helping his dad and was very excited about the whole thing. Please ignore the lack of trim around the door... the house is a work in progress.

 Here's a hideous shot that Brady took of me on the treadmill this morning. The dangling things you may notice in the picture are decorations I put up yesterday for Pete's big 3-0.

I'm a sucker for shows on ABC Family - judge me all you want. Being able to break a sweat and still watch my shows at the same time is pretty much the coolest thing ever (although I'm looking forward to nicer weather so I can walk/jog outside again,too).

So there you have it. Tonight is Pete's party and yesterday I went shopping to try to find a cute top to wear. Let me tell you, I noticed every ounce of those extra 25 pounds I'm sporting in the dressing room mirrors, and did not have much luck finding anything flattering. I'm tired of feeling insecure and flabby and it's time for that to change!

On a positive note, I am doing really well on cutting out the soda. I've gone from 2+ sodas a day down to 1-2 sodas a week. I've been doing really great on my water intake as well, refilling my 20 oz. bottle anywhere on average from 4-7 times a day. Not going to lie though - still overeating like crazy. Portion control needs to be my next focus, as well as using the treadmill.

Current weight - around 170. Goal Weight #1 - 155. Goal Weight #2 - 145. Ultimate Goal Weight - 140?! Maybe. My pre-pregnancy weight was 145 so if I can get back there I'd be thrilled. According to those weight range/BMI calculators, the "normal" weight range for a 30 year old woman that's 5'10" is anywhere from 132-174 pounds. I graduated high school around 133 and was basically a toothpick with hair so I don't want to get that thin. I just want to feel healthy and fit in my size 27 jeans again.

My new mantra? It's gross but it works - SWEAT EVERY DAY. Game on!