Work Drama

NAFP (Not A Fitness Post)

I apologize for my silence recently. I found out on Monday that they are "restructuring" our organization now that the implementation of electronic medical record is complete, and long story short - I'm being displaced. I'm the low girl on the totem pole and I'm part time, so I'm the one to go. I get reassurance that I'm a valuable employee, but there's a chance that in a few weeks I may not have a job. I'm welcome to apply for any internal positions that are open, but there is only one (out of three) that is a potential fit for me and it's not somewhere I'm eager to go. I'm going to train there a few days next week and the following week, but the hiccup is that I can't work past 5 and this department has evening hours. Boyfriend works second shift, and in order to get to daycare by the time it closes I need to be out of work at 5. My dad travels and my mom works 12 hour shifts and "already raised her kids" so I have nobody else that can pick him up. I said I would work the occasional Saturday and I'm happy to come in for the early shift (which starts at 7:00 a.m.) but so far I haven't gotten any feedback yet so I'm not sure what's going to happen to me. I should also mention that this is the second time I've been bumped from a clinic since I started working for this organization due to reasons beyond my control. I've been cycling through various emotions about everything... fear/sadness/anger/bitter/more fear. I'm trying to hope for the best but it's hard.

So that is taking precedence in my life at the moment. I need to remember that my fitness matters too, and I need to up the ante and start eating better as well. I went through all of my jeans today and ONLY ONE PAIR FITS. When I realized that I burst into tears. I have bigger jeans in a "rummage" tote somewhere but trying to find them would take ages. I'm just so disappointed in myself.

Enough of the pity party, I know! There is a bright side - the weather is finally warming up! Snow is melting! Our driveway is a total disaster of ice/slush/puddles but I'm still thrilled. I can't wait to take long walks with Brady and Jordy, and maybe even start running outside!

Bogus Boyfriend

Struggled a bit more on the treadmill today but it was my own fault - I had a full breakfast and didn't wait long before hopping on. Usually I just have a snack and then go, and I could definitely tell the difference. My stomach didn't like me towards the end. I also had more trouble regulating my breathing than usual (I still have a hard time finding a rhythm and not having to think about it - tips are welcome). But...

I love working out, I really do. I love the feeling of accomplishment I get from it and I love feeling like I'm getting a bit stronger, a bit better, every time.

I also love my boyfriend. I really do. But UGH, was he an obnoxious pain in the butt this morning! I warned him that I was going to be hopping on the treadmill. He was laying on the couch watching TV. His excitement about the treadmill has equaled to him using it once thus far (and nobody saw him do it, so he has no proof). Instead of going to one of the other rooms that has a TV, he decides to stay in the living room by me and crank the volume up extremely loud while watching Top Gear. I could still hear the TV even with music on my headphones. It was distracting. Then he complains about me making so much noise. Thanks for being supportive, baby.

This journey would be easier if I had more support. So far I have seen a lot of talk but no action. I am very grateful for my friend and co-worker Catherine, because if it weren't for her I'd be flying completely solo.

I've registered for two of the 5Ks I'm interested in so far. The Electric Run of course, and now the Cellcom 5K in Green Bay. There will also be half and full marathons going on for the Cellcom event - maybe next year, haha! I'm very excited because there will be a health and fitness expo going on at Lambeau Field during all of this and I can't wait to check it out. Pretty sure Catherine is planning on going as well, but honestly I'll even go alone. I'm determined to stay on this path whether I have a huge support system or not.

Eating my feelings... Keeping it real

So I like to be honest on my blog, and while I've been doing well with logging some time on the treadmill, I have not been doing so well with my eating. I've been making better choices overall - staying away from fast food as much as possible, and snacking on fruits and veggies instead of junk, cutting out soda almost entirely - but I tend to overeat A LOT. Pete is the cook in the family, and he often makes dinner late... he's also a meat and potatoes kinda guy so his meals tend to include lots of pasta/rice/potatoes - and I don't know how to control myself. It's a vicious cycle. I feel like I'm starving, I'll gorge myself and then feel terrible about it. Where is my willpower?

I'm noticing the weight gain on more than just the scale. My clothes either don't fit or barely fit. I ignore it a lot of the time because I wear scrubs at work and I change into comfy pants when I'm sitting around the house. I don't socialize a lot so I don't have to squeeze myself into jeans that often. I lost weight four years ago and kept it off for a few years so I got rid of all of my bigger jeans. I refuse to buy bigger clothes, I just can't.

I'm not obese. People that don't know me won't look at my pictures and instantly think that I'm fat or anything. But I can tell in pictures. I can see the fullness in my face. I know that I often avoid taking pictures of myself these days (except for Pete's birthday, but ummm... I was intoxicated) because I don't like the way I look.

I'm tired of being unhappy with my appearance. I need to shut up, quit whining and DO SOMETHING about it already! I'm ready to get fit. I really am. I've registered for two 5K's so far this year and I'm still loving the fact that we have a treadmill.

But my relationship with food is different. I eat to make myself feel better when I'm sad. I eat when I'm bored. I eat when anyone else is eating. I eat because it tastes good. I eat and eat and eat.

I drink lots of water, I'll keep snacks like natural almonds at work when I'm feeling hungry. But it doesn't seem to matter. I need to break the cycle. I know that nobody can do this but me, but if there are any helpful tips to get me over the "I feel like I'm starving myself" hump I'd love to hear them.

This is a photo my awesome friend Amandalynn took of Pete and me in May 2010. I was 25 pounds lighter. Sure, the extra skin on my stomach from having a 12 pound baby was just tucked inside my jeans - but I was skinnyfat, I did nothing to look that way except be stressed out and barely eat. Sadly I almost wish stress would affect me in that way again, now it seems to do the opposite - I eat everything in sight. Whether I'm eating too much or too little, it's still not healthy. This time around I'd like to get fit and be toned, but damn do I want to fit in those jeans again.

I need to break the cycle. I can't find the willpower. How do I change that?